(She Has A Crush On) Anderson Cooper

by Neoteny

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When she was a filly
Living in her little town
There were no news shows to speak of
No journalists around

We turned on CNN
And much to our surprise
People can be filled with greed
Spouting ignorance and lies

One man stood above the rest
Believes that truth will turn the tide
She’s fallen for his voice
She got lost in his blue eyes

Now he’s always on her mind
She even went out to buy a
Portrait of his face
What do we do, Oh Lyra!

I know how others are
And how they’d only criticise
We told it to her straight
But much to our surprise…

She has a crush on Anderson Cooper
We should have seen the signs sooner
If there’s a way we can save her from herself!
She has a crush on Anderson Cooper

He’s won five Emmys
And he hosts a couple shows
She’s a talking mint green pony
Best known for her sitting pose

We tried to talk her down
She won’t listen to her friends
Oh, what would Bon Bon think?
And what about his boyfriend, Ben?
She’s hearing none of it
Like she’s under some kind of spell
Her room’s been plastered with posters
We didn’t know how deep she fell

For that incredibly credible guy
On location, so courageous
Reporting news, looking handsome
Oh my God, it’s contagious!

I know how others are
We’ve said at least a dozen times
A puzzle unmistakably
But you’ve got to realise…

She has a crush on Anderson Cooper
We found the fanfics on her computer
If there’s a way we can get our girl some help
She has a crush on Anderson Cooper

He leaves the set and dons his blazer
For the late show
He checks his empty pockets for his black rimmed glasses
But where did they go?

We’re all impressed now
I mean you’ve got to give her props
She’s rummaged through his garbage
He hasn’t even called the cops

This isn’t just a phase
She’ll never get her fill of
His face-- He’s on her bedsheets
And body pillow

Her shrine’s complete now
And her smile’s kind of manic
If I were you, Mr. Cooper
I might start to panic
Keep those blue eyes open wide
360 degrees
And if you one day pay
Satyr child support, then hey don’t blame me!

I know how others are
But Andy, try to understand
We’re giving you a warning
Lyra’s aching for your hands!

I know how others are
But you should listen to us guys
There’s a talking pony out for you
And she’s going for the eyes…
(But really nicely because she really likes them and doesn’t want to hurt them!)

She has a crush on Anderson Cooper
If you board a plane now, you might still lose her
I don’t know when she lost her mental health
She has a crush on Anderson Cooper

She has a crush on Anderson Cooper!


released July 12, 2014



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Neoteny Renton, Washington

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